“Depriving human life of friendship is like taking the sun out of the world.” (Cicero, On Friendship, 44 BC).
Finding true friends can be a challenge, even while surrounded by so many people at college. In recent years, the American Psychiatric Association has warned that America is entering an epidemic of loneliness, even though in some ways people have more opportunities for connection than ever before. For those seeking friendships, it can feel easier and safer to stay within their comfort zones than reach out to and try to connect with those around them. Perhaps more dangerously, it is often difficult to realize the importance and joy of authentic friendships without first experiencing them. Finally, it can be intimidating to move beyond superficial relationships and foster deep, meaningful connections with the people already in our lives. These circumstances can combine to leave people feeling stuck, isolated, and alone in a crowd.
Even though they take work, however, strong communities of friends help people come fully alive. Let’s take a look at some traits to practice and questions to ask yourself and your friends to help cultivate amazing friendships.
Availability
“Without friends the world is but a wilderness” (Francis Bacon, “Of Friendship,” AD 1601).
One of the greatest gifts you can give to those around you is your time and your presence, whether that’s by getting to know someone sitting next to you in class, sending a quick text to check in on someone, listening when someone needs to talk, or coordinating a fun evening with a group. Availability shows others how valued they are, especially when they hit a rough spot. Having friends who make themselves available is crucial for being able to rely on and draw strength from others during difficult times.
Ask your friends:
– How are you actually doing?
– Do you want me to try to fix the problem, or just listen?
– Is there anything you, I, or someone else can do to make this better?
Selflessness
“Greater love has no man than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friend.” (Jesus, John 15:13, ca. AD 90).
In the Nicomachean Ethics, (350 B.C.), Aristotle says that a friend is “a second self.” When everyone in a group of friends chooses to put others first, they all receive priority without having to demand things from each other. Selflessness helps friends practice generosity and gratitude and grow closer together, especially when they want what is truly best for each other.
Consider this:
– Am I seeking to get to know those around me out of genuine care and interest, or for my own gain?
– What does being self-giving mean to me in my relationships?
– How can I receive the gifts and care that my friends want to give me?
Common Goals
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17, ca. 950 BC).
True friendships exist between those who share common aims and values. We all become more like the people with whom we spend the most time, so it is crucial to surround ourselves with people whom we admire and who share our values. This is why Aristotle says that true friendship is not based on utility or pleasure but common virtue. Having friends with similar values, character goals, and aspirations helps everyone grow into the person they want to be through meaningful conversations and mutual accountability.
Consider this:
– What do you have in common with your friends? Classes? Hobbies? Worldviews? Life goals?
– What can you do to keep your friends accountable to the people they want to be? How can they help hold you accountable?
Loyalty
“If you live to be a hundred, I hope I live to be a hundred minus one day, so that I never have to live a day without you” (A. A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh, AD 1926).
Loyalty takes traits such as availability and selflessness and applies them to the long term. Friendships take time to develop, so it is important to make a consistent decision to show up for others, choose to see the best in them, and avoid competition and jealousy.
Consider this:
– How do you talk about your friends when they’re not around?
– How can you celebrate your friends’ successes and stand by them during their failures?
Humility
“A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud… I may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness with which one chemical atom meets another” (Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Friendship,” AD 1841).
Relationships of all kinds are messy, but mistakes and misunderstandings don’t have to ruin them. It takes guts, but strong relationships often require kindly reconciling with others when they’ve hurt you and apologizing when you are in the wrong. It’s better to embrace potentially awkward conversations than let grudges fester under the surface. Humility also helps friends use their differences and disagreements as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than drama.
Consider this:
– Can you tell your friends when they’ve hurt you? Can you apologize when you’ve hurt them?
Ask your friends:
– How can I be a better friend to you?
Honesty & Vulnerability
“The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!’” (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, 1960).
The ability to be yourself is crucial for friendships. Whether this is saying what you really think, letting your sense of humor shine, or sharing embarrassing stories, honesty and vulnerability help friends trust and understand each other. It’s important to be cautious about who deserves trust, but it’s equally important to take the plunge and move beyond surface-level conversations. Being authentic with those around us helps relationships move beyond acceptance to understanding.
Ask your friends:
– What helps you be the best, most authentic version of yourself?
– What makes you feel seen and valued?
Finding good friends and creating a joyful, authentic community can feel like a battle, but it is a challenge worth taking up. Having amazing friends brings joy and support, but more importantly being a good friend teaches us to love others and helps us grow into better versions of ourselves! These sorts of changes to personal habits and community culture take time, but when everyone makes small adjustments and prioritizes deep connections with those around them, strong bonds and a culture of respect and understanding grow as a result. Remember, the first step is availability, so try to pay a little more attention to those around you. You might be surpr